When a School Shooting Happens: Helping Children and Families Navigate Fear, Grief and Uncertainty

When violence happens at a school, the impact reaches far beyond the classroom. Families, educators, and entire communities can be left searching for answers, reassurance, and a way forward.

Following the school shooting in Bend, Oregon, our hearts are with the students, families, educators, and community members affected.

For parents and caregivers, events like these bring difficult questions. How do I talk to my child about what happened? What should I say when I don’t have the answers? How do I help my child feel safe when I’m struggling with my own feelings?

At Oregon Family Support Network (OFSN), we understand that there is no single right way to respond to a frightening event. Every child, every family, and every community will process what happened differently. What matters most is that children know they are not alone and that the adults in their lives are there to listen, comfort, and support them.

Start by Listening, Not Explaining

When something frightening happens, our first instinct as adults may be to explain what happened or reassure our children that everything will be okay. But before we offer answers, it’s important to understand what our children already know and how they’re feeling.

Start with a simple question:

• “Have you heard about what happened?”
• “What have you been thinking about?”
• “Is there anything you’re worried about?”
• “What would help you feel more comfortable right now?”

Let your child guide the conversation. Some children will have lots of questions. Others may not want to talk at all. Both responses are okay.

You don’t need to have all the answers. In fact, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know, but we can talk about it together.”

The goal isn’t to make every difficult feeling disappear. It’s to create a space where your child feels safe sharing those feelings.

Be Honest Without Sharing Frightening Details

Children need information they can understand, but they don’t need every detail of a traumatic event.

For younger children, keep explanations simple. You might say, “Something very scary happened at a school, and people were hurt. Adults are working to help everyone affected.”

Older children and teenagers may want more information. They may have already seen news reports, social media posts, or messages from friends. Ask what they’ve heard and help them separate confirmed information from rumors.

Avoid graphic descriptions, speculation, or repeated conversations about the details when children are nearby.

Most importantly, don’t make promises you cannot guarantee. Instead of saying, “Nothing like this will ever happen here,” try, “Your school has people and plans to help keep students safe. If you’re worried, we can talk about what those plans are.”

Honest, age-appropriate conversations help children build trust, even when the subject is difficult.

Recognize That Stress Looks Different in Every Child

Children don’t always express fear or grief with words.

Younger children may become clingy, have trouble sleeping, experience stomachaches, or return to behaviors they had previously outgrown.

School-age children may ask repeated questions, struggle to concentrate, become irritable, or worry about going to school.

Teenagers may withdraw, seem angry, spend more time online, or insist that they’re fine even when they’re struggling.

These responses can be normal reactions to an abnormal and frightening event.

Rather than focusing only on behavior, consider what your child may be communicating through that behavior.

A child who refuses to go to school may be frightened rather than defiant. A teenager who becomes unusually quiet may need connection but not know how to ask for it.

Offer patience, reassurance, and opportunities to talk without pressure.

If changes in behavior persist, become more intense, or interfere with daily life, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for additional support.

Help Children Feel Safe Without Dismissing Their Fear

After a school shooting, the phrase “You’re safe” may not be enough, especially for children who live in the affected community or know someone involved.

Safety is more than a statement. It’s something children experience through consistent relationships, predictable routines, and supportive adults.

You can help by:

• Maintaining familiar routines around meals, bedtime, and school when possible.
• Spending time together doing ordinary activities your child enjoys.
• Asking what would help them feel more comfortable returning to school.
• Reviewing school safety procedures in a calm, age-appropriate way.
• Working with teachers, school counselors, and administrators when additional support is needed.
• Reminding children who they can turn to when they feel afraid or overwhelmed.

Some children may need extra time or support before returning to familiar activities. Families directly affected may need individualized plans developed with their school and care providers.

The goal is not to force children to move past their feelings. It’s to help them regain a sense of connection, stability, and trust.

Be Mindful of News and Social Media

When a tragedy happens close to home, it’s natural to want information. But constant exposure to news coverage, videos, photographs, and social media discussions can increase distress for children and adults alike.

Young children may not understand that repeated footage shows the same event. They may believe the violence is happening again each time they see it.

Older children and teens may encounter graphic content, rumors, or upsetting comments online.

Consider limiting news exposure, especially before bedtime. Encourage teenagers to talk with you about what they’re seeing and remind them that they don’t have to watch or share disturbing content to show they care.

Adults can benefit from taking breaks, too.

Staying informed matters, but protecting your family’s emotional well-being matters just as much.

When Your Child Doesn’t Want to Go Back to School

For some children, returning to school after a shooting may be one of the hardest parts of recovery.

Their fears deserve to be taken seriously.

Rather than immediately insisting that everything return to normal, ask what specifically worries them. Is it being separated from you? Hearing loud noises? Not knowing what to do in an emergency? Seeing reminders of what happened?

Work with your child’s school to identify appropriate supports. These might include checking in with a trusted staff member, arranging access to a counselor, developing a gradual return plan when appropriate, or creating a way for your child to contact you if they’re overwhelmed.

Avoid turning every conversation about school into a conversation about danger. Make room for friendships, learning, activities, and the parts of school your child enjoys.

Recovery is not about forgetting what happened. It’s about helping children feel supported as they begin moving forward.

Remember That Parents and Caregivers Need Support, Too

Parents are often expected to be the calm, reassuring presence during a crisis. But parents have feelings, too.

You may be frightened, angry, grieving, exhausted, or unsure how to help. You may be experiencing your own memories of trauma or worrying about what could happen to your family.

Those feelings deserve care and attention.

Reach out to someone you trust. Talk with another parent, a friend, a family support specialist, or a mental health professional. Take breaks from the news. Give yourself permission to experience your feelings without expecting yourself to have everything figured out.

Children don’t need adults who never feel afraid. They need adults who can acknowledge difficult feelings and demonstrate healthy ways to manage them.

Saying, “I’m feeling sad about what happened, so I’m going to talk with someone I trust,” can teach children that asking for support is a sign of strength.

Supporting Families Beyond Our Own

A school shooting affects an entire community, including people who were not directly involved.

Some families may be grieving. Others may be dealing with injuries, fear, uncertainty, or changes to daily routines. Some children may know students or staff members involved. Others may be affected simply because the event happened somewhere familiar.

We can support one another by respecting privacy, avoiding rumors, checking in without expecting a response, and offering practical help when it is welcome.

It’s also important to remember that there is no timeline for grief or healing.

Community support should continue long after the news coverage ends.

You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone

At Oregon Family Support Network, we believe families deserve compassion, connection, and support, especially during moments that feel overwhelming.

Our Parent Warmline connects parents and caregivers with Family Support Specialists who have lived experience navigating challenges with their own families. They offer a listening ear, understanding, and help connecting with resources.

Whether your child is struggling with fear, you’re unsure how to start a difficult conversation, or you simply need someone who understands, reaching out can be an important first step.

There is no perfect response to a tragedy like this. There is only the opportunity to show up for one another, listen with compassion, and remind children and families that they do not have to face difficult moments alone.

To the Bend community, we are holding you close. We stand with your students, families, educators, and neighbors, today and in the days ahead.